The third P-anniversary…

Three years ago I was at the hospital having a lot of pain and frankly quite scared because I did not know yet that the surgery had been a success. It was March 12th 2007 where I did one of the biggest things in my life. Longing for it so much but also worried about things that could go wrong. However, it felt absolutely the right thing to do. This year I did not think if it until today and maybe it is a good sign that it is not that present in my daily life. Maybe, it would be better to celebrate some other day which corresponds to when I was feeling much better rather than the day I was stuck in a hospital bed with an epidural.

So how is life these days then? Well, in general life is pretty good, a lot of the fears I had after the process have not been anything to worry about. I mean the surgery here in Sweden has a mixed effect on very intimate aspects and things that affects the everyday life. In fact since quite few people see your private parts most of them are everyday things. Being able to wear any kind of clothes, having a gender-correct personal number (social security number) and of course a much better effect of the hormone treatment. I think I pass much more and it makes everyday life so much better without being questioned or looked at all the times. I think I can spend a lot more energy on other things as a result.

The work-related stuff has also played out more than good. I think I have the best job in the world and my background does not seem to affect it in any negative ways and I feel very proud in my female dark blue Air Force uniform when at work. It is also great to be noticed for what I do and not just for who I am. Being on the first page of one of the Swedish top tech magazines is such a thing. From one perspective it feels wonderful to have been able to achieve this despite my background but on one hand it is also just as natural as it should be. I like to be somewhat of a geeky girl who are passionate about what we are trying to achieve at work. Being able to speak at conferences like Momentum and EMC World is really cool to me.

From a personal perspective it is a bit more mixed. As I have said many times before here I feel so alive nowadays and it means both ups and downs. I like my new body very much and it feels great to be able to go around Stockholm without feeling a need for make-up and all of that all the time. It is a wonderful freedom to be me, a woman, all the time without feeling the cinderella effect each night.

One important point of any transition process is to be realistic about expectations both from a body perspective but also from a life perspective. I think I was really aware of that and I guess that is also why I am so pleased about my new body. I had lower expectations and it turned out better than that. Just as I don’t think it is fully possible to prepare for the rehabiliation after the first main surgery I don’t really think it is possible to fully imagine life post-op. I think I at least hoped it would be a little bit easier to feel confident at bars and night clubs. I mean I am so much more confident in most other parts of my life, often to a degree that I rarely think about my background or at least not worrying about it. However, the fear of being read as not a genetic woman is still there.

However, looking at the past ten years the relationship aspect of my life has not become any better after the surgery – it feels more difficult than ever. That is so mixed because I feel so good about myself in general and even proud of where I am today and still I am getting nowhere to find love. I wonder if it is the process itself that does things to me which takes some effort to overcome. I have many nice friends, many of them women and it feels great to hear that they think I am a wonderful person. Somehow that does not seem to matter, since I have no luck at all. These things become so obvious sometimes in the casual social environments at work where a common question is: “So, do you have family and kids?” It is not that I don’t have that NOW – the hard thing to process is that I never had and does seem to be very far from it. I wonder if I women simply aren’t attracted to me or if they are and I am not noticing it. I am not sure which is worst.

It is easy to think I am doing anything wrong, even though my friends insist I am not. However, something stops me from finding love. Sure, there are always things to work on but for me I have fought so hard to be where I am today that it also feels strange to start changing things. I mean to me it is very attractive to be who you are in a natural way and be proud of that. I am proud of that I am a woman now but ten years of experiences continue to remind that some people do not look at me that way always. That makes it more difficult to believe in yourself with a constant fear of being seen as strange. Maybe online dating sites is not so good even though I only use gay ones. Being open with myself is important to not be forced back into that dreaded closet again but on the other hand may scare women off. Not because of my transsexual background per se but because there is always an interesting woman around who isn’t at the next place in the search listing. In that case life is quite unfair, but that is no surprise of course. Also being in small lesbian world most likely makes it even more difficult…

So, on my third pussy anniversary my life is pretty good in many respects but with a growing frustration over a missing piece  (the only?) in my life…

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