Woke up this morning with a sorrow feeling and I think I had dreamt one or two rather bad dreams. Last day was very intense in many ways and I think that had made a dent in my mind. Not a big one but still I was affected. Since mid-august I have been feeling. longing, dreaming and hoping about love but a week ago that turned out to be nothing. I have had a small crush on her and it has been just wonderful to have these butterflies in the stomach. It tends to give me some extra energy and joy. I took it quite good I think and I wasn’t devastated or really sad maybe because there wasn’t really anything there to miss. On the contrary I have got to know a wonderful person I believe it is the right thing to do to cherish that friendship which we do have. The crush quickly fades away for me when there is no affirmations of love so over the last week that was what happened. Still I of course felt disappointed but I guess it is only natural to have these feelings. A very human reaction. Still the past week included my birthday which gave me a lot of positive feelings and work was intense so there wasn’t any time to think really either. That really help processing it for a distance I think.
Last day we met for dinner for the first time since that phone call a week ago and I did not found myself really nervous or anything but still of course wondered what I would feel when I met her. It turned out to be a nice evening where we talked about life as usual. However, both of us was a bit blue and we both seemed to be taken by the realities of life somehow. I think the sorrow feeling started there when I realized that it was over for this time – the butterflies had flown to someone else. For some reason they don’t seem to visit me more more than once a year or so I thought that it could take sometime before that feeling arrived again. Still it was nice to see her and I really want to keep her in my life as a friend. I feels very mature to be able to do so I think. So I guess all of this made my morning today a sorrow one so it was perfect that I had time for therapy this morning.
A month or so I decided I needed an external person to help me process my daily experiences as a woman with a transsexual background. Regular readers here know that now and then things happen that I get sad about and I think I need some help to deal with that. I have found a great therapist who I think mostly acts as my coach in life right now. I had the opportunity to talk about my emotions over that past week and it was great to get it out of my system and I felt rather good afterwords. Proud of myself for actually daring to say to someone that I am interested in her. I did not get the answer I so longed for this time but maybe the next time the butterflies come to visit me I will also dare to ask and maybe that woman will be my princess.
Back home I prepared for getting to work and found myself thinking I looked really good when I saw myself in the mirror. The sun was shining on my way to work and life seemed rather good after all. Emotions can surely shift quickly.