This has been a really intensive year for me. A lot things happened I think it could be good to try to summarize it a bit. Maybe I can go back later and compare my summary with what I have written during the year. In all I posted 134 different posts to this blog during 2008 so I guess there are plenty of emotions and experiences in there.
This I year I finally got my transfer to the Joint Concept Development and Experimentation Centre in Enköping and it was great to start working there, especially since the people there had been struggling to get me transferred there. It was great to focus on our project and I think we made nice progress over the year ending in a rather extensive report in the summer. Had a chance to visit Las Vegas this year which was great despite a nasty cold and the EMC World 2008 conference was just very interesting. Spent a lot time in the United Kingdom this year too which resulted in a lot of interesting discussions with smart people. I the autumn we worked like crazy to have our experiment up and running in early November. Made a speech at the Swedish Documentum User Group which later took me to Prague as a speaker at Momentum 08 which was also a great experience. Good some really nice feedback on my speech and had really interesting discussions with Managers of different Documentum products and solutions. It turned out that we are doing pretty cool stuff in our lab.
So that was work. On the personal side I think I got my energy back after last Christmas. The time after the second surgery was tougher than expected and it was great to be able to let that go. I started taking a new medication and I got another welcome boost in body a months or so after which felt great. Had my one-year checkups in Spring and everything seemed to be great but it was also rather nice to have a chance to sit back and talk to my counselor and psychaistrist at the Transgender clinic again. There are always experiences in life which is nice to talk about. The big thing this year was of course my breast augmentation surgery which I did in late August. I decided that I wanted to do it in January or so but it was not after seeing my surgeon in May it was decided for real. Looked forward to it but I did not really think I understood how important it was for me until now more or less. I was a bit nervous before the surgery but everything went fine and was at home 24 hours after the procedure. The pain wasn’t so bad this time (I have been lucky there) so again it was the psychologial aspect that was the hardest this time again. The mobility restrictions and sick leave made me feel a bit lonely and I struggled again to be able to ask my friends for help but I was glad I did although. This year I also felt more emotional than ever before and it made the summer the most intense one I have had so far. Being closer to my emotions is both great and scary at the same time because of the vulnerability it brings along. One of my dearest friends helped my buy a bathing suit which was an important step for me although I ended up being to scared and shy to actually use it later in the summer. However in December I felt really good about my new body and it was pure joy to go shopping for lingerie which also made me strong enough to use the women’s locker room for the first time. Those boobs really made a huge difference for me and I am not ashamed of my body the same way as before any longer.
The other big thing this year was that I met A and felt love for the first time in a long time, if ever. I think I felt more relaxed and open this Spring than ever before and felt more comfortable with myself then ever before. We started seeing each other in March and we found each other right away and soon sensed that there something special about her. We took it real slow and it wasn’t until Stockholm Pride that we got some more extensive quality time together. The evening at the opening ceremony at Skansen was just magical where I sort of felt “love is in the air” and the special feeling of being with someone enclosed by the spirit of Pride. Later in the evening we “talked” for the first time and things turned out to be more complicated then I thought. She wanted to take things further but couldn’t but I kept my hopes up anyway a couple of more months. Maybe I should have understood but I guess feeling the hope of love was a great feeling and it felt right to not give up. She seemed worth waiting for I thought but in November I guess I felt a need for some affirmation at least and ended up wanting to know how she felt for me again. Then it unfortunately became very clear that she wasn’t ready for a relationship for a while. I took it real hard so the autumn became a tough one of first feeling a bit lonely in my everyday life which I guess was because I longed for someone to be there for me. Losing the hope of love at this time did not exactly made it easier. A months or so later I feel much better and I am really starting to leave the sad feelings behind me and I hope we can continue a friends. I had a chat with her today on my computer and it felt better than I expected and her suggestion of us being able to talk about our feelings seemed healthy. I guess it is still hard to keep it on a good level. Sometimes I guess I also forget that this has not been easy for her either. Got a little sad anyway in the end and I guess that is why I am writing this post to be able to process it a bit further.
I hope 2009 will be the year when my princess will show up, seduce me and let me give her my love. I guess I can only be as open and positive as I can.