Monthly Archives: July 2008

Today I was invited by a friend of mine or rather her boyfriend to an island in the archipelago. It is week-long party where people come and go and enjoy sun and bath while eating a lot. To me it was a day of mixed emotions. You see, over the past years I have become so much more comfortable in many everyday situations such as meetings a work, parties, going dancing and so forth. I really enjoy those situations now. However, there are a few situations which I guess I have avoided and one of those are those are sun-bathing and bathing. Just being in that environment makes me insecure because I see all these women in their bathing suits and bikinis and I so long being one of them. But I don’t really dare and I am scared of doing something wrong in the sense of not being feminine enough sort of. I think this feeling is stronger among straight(-looking) women since I perceive a bigger difference between them and me, real or not. Lately I have found out that I am very scared of looking stupid so much that I avoid doing this at all. Take the workout session today. Sure I wanted to participate but I kind of figured that most of them were really good at this and that would make me stand out really hard, which isn’t exactly passing and melting in. Sure there were other women who felt the same and that made feel a little bit better but still. I want to be able to do all that so gracefully but I have no idea how and the opportunity to practice never seem to appear. I wonder why I sometimes still have to fight so hard just to relax and enjoy myself. On the other hand, ten years ago I was completely terrified about going to a party and I no longer feel like that at all. So things can change. But I guess I still need a helping hand sometimes. But I also not so good in asking for that hand so that is something I need to work a lot on.

After all, there were nice people there, the archipelago is just beautiful and the food was nice. Riding the boat to my parked car was just beautiful. A sea that looked like a mirror and the red remnants of a sun-set reflection in the water while racing ahead in the boat. Sometimes you need perspectives on your own issues as well. It is so easy to assume that everybody else are picture-perfect beautiful and live perfect lives.

Years ago I think I took my first step of admitting that I was transsexual when I went to my first laser hair removal treatments. Since then I have done them as often as I have had the chance and money for it. You see for some strange reason Stockholms Läns Landsting (“medical district”) do not consider that method as eligible for treatment within Swedish general health insurance. So I have done a lot of treatments in Uppsala at a place called Laserkliniken which was close to work. This spring I felt that I have done what I could with laser and finally asked for a referral for diathermy treatment here in Stockholm. Today I went to the first session at a place called Gester Hud and it was a bit different. The pain were not so intense but regular since she uses a small needle for each hair and put electricity in it to kill the hair. So it was a warm stinging sensation numbed a bit by the cream I used beforehand. Anyway it felt good to have started this even though I am a bit worried how my face look tomorrow when I am supposed to meet the wonderful A again.

For some strange reason it always takes too long before you decide to call the Medical Advisory Line (Sjukvårdsupplysningen) when something has happened to you. Well, I looked at my slightly swollen bite mark and decided to call. She looked around in the databases from some data about vaccination programs when I was a kid but could not find any. I also really don’t know when I had my latest lockjaw/tetanus (stelkramp) done so she said I definately needed another shot to be safe. When I called all the daily medical centres had closed to I was told to go to the emergency room at St. Görans Hospital in central Stockholm. Apparently you need to take it with 24 hours of the dog bite if there is a risk that your vaccination is too old. And it happened around nine o’clock in the evening on Saturday so I went there directly.When I got there the waiting room was luckily completely empty so I was taken in at once. The doctor looked at it and said I needed a tetanus shot but also antibiotics since there is apparently a risk for strange bacterias when a dog bites you (especially on the underside of your arm). It can result in infections of tendons.

Then the good part happened. The nurse who was assigned to give me the shot (in my bum..) saw the patch I wear daily and asked what it was. I said it was estrogen and he replied “ah…so you are trying to get pregnant”. I smiled and thought about what I should answer and told him that I had it because I was a transsexual patient. He still did not get it so I told him again and then he smiled. “Ah, I had no idea – how cool!”. So I explained to him the basics for hormone replacement therapy and he sincerly looked both amazed and interested.