About discovering myself

The other day I had an discussion with a friend about life and stuff. I really value those moments because it is sometimes so nice to mirror yourself in others and I often learn some new things about myself and life in general. I read my former post about going to the Simpson movie and decided to ponder a little about security. The wonderful post-op TS girl in the blogg Att Blomma has written about that as well. The thing is that everything is not easy and what I was reminded of the other night is that it is not always easy for other (non-TS people) as well. Life is a continous road of exploration and hopefully some development/evolution along the way. For many years I have dreamed so dearly about being a girl and it has gone from being something I thought was impossible to a reality today. But as many others I still have issues with insecurity and self-images in different types of situations. From the very beginning of my journey I feared different things: being read as a non-genetic woman, looked upon as a very strange person, being made fun of and so on. The way society places a stigma of transgender people is sometimes very cruel. It takes a lot of time and energy to start accepting yourself for whom you are and then hopefully to like or even love yourself.

As a transsexual (or LGBT (HBT på svenska)) I sometimes feel that I am a little behind the others in that process. My life for the past 10 years have been a wonderful journey of discovery. I feel more “myself” than I have ever done before. However, the journey also tought me to be very sensitive (in a sensory manner) for the reactions of other people. By reactions I mean reactions on me – that strange transsexual person. I am definiately working on that and I feel much more secure now than just three or four years ago but it takes a while to wipe these feelings off.

In some respect it feels like a ladder with different steps to me. First to accept myself for who I am and then to be able to say that to the rest of the world. Then to believe in myself as a human being, that I am not strange but in some respect worthy of being treated as anyone else. Just being and thinking of yourself as an equal is not something that transgender people can take for granted unfortunately. The third step is being accepted and believing in myself as a woman. Figuring out your own way of being a woman is sometimes very tricky. Somehow I think that is what I am going through now and it feels good! I guess it is not the final step but for me the next step to conquer is being accepted as a lesbian and feeling that I can be the object of another (lesbian/bisexual) womans love and being able to love her back. I mean, even for genetic women I believe the process of dicoverying that you are a lesbian is not an easy one and it is not always easy to find your way in dyke world. For me I of course have to struggle a bit about both seeing myself as a woman and a potential partner.

So, I have said it before and will say it again. It is like growing up again but this time it feels right and things sometimes happen a lot faster.

The Simpsons at the Movies

Yesterday we went to the movies again to see The Simpsons movie. I am not a huge fan of the characters but I liked the movie anyway. It seemed almost better in a feature film format. Even though we went to one of the more posh cinemas in Stockholm I could not help feeling a bit disturbed by the groups of teenage boys that always shows up on movies like that. They are loud and have an attitude like the own the world. I really don’t like it but I sometimes get a bit worried both as a citizen in general and a transsexual woman in particular. I know how easy the could “do something” if the liked and I also now that the rest of the people around me not necessarily would come to anyone’s assistance if they did. It makes me both sad and angry that people who want to can easily control others by just intimidation.

It is not about techonology…actually it is.

I recently read a post written by Andrew McAfee who is an Associate Professor at the Harvard Business School. It made me think of my own retoric a bit. I guess everybody agrees that IT is here to support the business and not vice versa. However, in real life situation I often find myself in somewhat of a missionary role. We all want to be able to work smarter, solve our problems quicker and all of that. The question is how that is possible without knowing the possibilities of existing and emerging technologies. All historic references also point out that when a new technology arrives we have a tendency to just integrate it into what we do know as merely and add-on. It takes years before someone figures out how to do business different not just a little bit better.

Therefore in my evangelism I often find myself saying: “Well, it is not about technology, really, it is about business/processes” or something else which sound like “soft” issues. The idea is to make it easier for those non-technical people that they need to be engaged in this and not just expect us to install yet another black box which do magic stuff they do not understand. Well, professor McAfee made me think I was wrong. Maybe I should say: “it is about the technology, also”.

The idea is that if the leaders do not understand or do not even care how the systems we are buying for the company or organization how will they be able to develop their organization, their methods and make things run more efficient. When more and more of the things you need to monitor and control resides within ERP-, ECM- or CRM-systems they need to know how they work on some level. Especially when facing a need for change which can be facilitated by taking a new approach on the IT-infrastructure. Platforms from different vendors ARE different and not caring about that can prove very costly in the long run. Platforms also do change and it is vital to track that in order to know if to stay in the boat or jump onto  the next one. Technical understandning of these complex systems is vital and the way they are architected can possibly influence they way thousands of people work.
So, it is not all about technology but it certainly does matter what is happening in the black box.

Bröllop i Visby

S�ren och Daniel gifter sig i Visby

Igår gifte sig Sören Andersson och Daniel Juvas i St:a Karins kyrkoruin i Visby. Det var ett vackert bröllop trots att vi inom RFSL tillsammans med brudparet valt att göra denna vigsel till ett politiskt uttalande också. Hur man än vänder och vrider på det så är faktiskt det privata också politiskt. Specuellt i HBT-frågor. Det var mycket media, politiker och andra kändisar närvarande och jag hade ansvaret för att dokumentera detta på film med vår nya HD-kamera. Jag har inte varit på så många bröllop men det är verkligen något speciellt att se blickarna från brudparen under ceremonin. På nåt sätt blir kärleken så himla tydlig just då. Det var också många som inte kunde hålla tillbaka tårarna när de läste upp sina löften till varandra. Jag hoppas jag får uppleva detta någon gång jag med. Ett stort grattis till Sören och Daniel!
Läs gärna debattartikeln i Aftonbladet

Yesterday the chairman of the Swedish Federation for Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgender Rights (RFSL) married his Daniel in the city of Visby (on the island Gotland in the Baltic Sea). It was a wonderful wedding with lots of tears as well as a lot of media attention.

Foto: Mathilda Piehl, RFSL

Gua’uld langauge…

It isn’t as advanced as JRR Tolkien’s languages or Klingon for that matter but it is interesting the Stargate fans has compiled a lot of information about the Gua’uld language spoken by the Gua’uld and the Jaffa.

I guess one of the reasons why I like Stargate SG-1 is that it is a lot about the danger that arises when a large number of people left their destiny in the hands of false gods who use advanced technology to perform “miracles”. It begins with the enslavement of ancient Egypt by the Gua’uld and later with the preechers of the Ori who kills everybody who do not believe. Of course the rest of the component in the show about the possibility of contact with life on other planets and how to react to different ways of living the life. Of course all of that is present here on earth but the added mixture of different life forms, advanced technology and huge distances makes it even more exciting.

It was nice to be out on the road again. I had never been to München before and on Tuesday night we had some time to explore the city somewhat. The weather was terrible – cold and raining. Not what I had expected because the last time I was in Germany this time of the year it was terribly hot instead. However, I have now officially been inside a traditional beer hall. It wasn’t as scary as I had first thought, I guess it was nicer and friendlier than I had expected.

Workwise we visited the iAbg complex outside München where we had a workshop within the MNE 5 project. What strikes me is the importance of understanding the Service Oriented Approach (SOA) even in our line of business. However, defining what a service actually is and what services that should be described in the technical architecture is not easy.

Going to Germany

Today I will be going to Germany on a business trip. Someone that asked me what I was doing today asked what I was doing there and I said it was a business trip and he looked a bit sad and said something like “oh that is a bummer”. I don’t agree. I like that my job allows me to travel a lot and usually the workshops and conferences I go to are very interesting. So combining interesting work with new experiences of different countries does not seem to be such a bad deal for me. The only drawback is that my cab leaves for the airport at 0545 in the morning which is very early for someone who has to wake up more or less three hours before closing the door on my way out.


The product that so many Mac-users have been waiting for has now been launched and what a launch it was. I especially like the story about Steve Wozniak waiting in line with a specially designed t-shirt stating “the line starts here”. However, it is again very interesting to listen to people and media trying do their best of making the iPhone an irrelevant “hype thing”. There seem to be an almost Microsoft-like incentive to crack down on anything Apple is doing today with some simple arguments around “what’s new, actually, it is not exactly the first phone around”. To me that is just missing the point or perhaps a blindness of abvious flaws of current products in the market. I own a Sony Ericsson P990i and it is a phone that have all the features when reading the specifications. Fine, but it is a terrible user experience. There seem to have been little or no usability testing and the updates they send out does not seem to fix anything. To me that counts and that is what Apple seem to have a good job fixing. Just as it is a bit more fun and easy to use a Mac, I believe it is more fun and easy to use an iPhone. Apple IS good at creating a spin and a hype but unlike Microsoft the actual products they sell are great and not full of bugs. The reason for that is that Steve Jobs strive for perfection and that kind of corporate culture do count in the long run.

As a sidenote, if you want to have a look at Alfresco on the iPhone have a look here