The other day I had an discussion with a friend about life and stuff. I really value those moments because it is sometimes so nice to mirror yourself in others and I often learn some new things about myself and life in general. I read my former post about going to the Simpson movie and decided to ponder a little about security. The wonderful post-op TS girl in the blogg Att Blomma has written about that as well. The thing is that everything is not easy and what I was reminded of the other night is that it is not always easy for other (non-TS people) as well. Life is a continous road of exploration and hopefully some development/evolution along the way. For many years I have dreamed so dearly about being a girl and it has gone from being something I thought was impossible to a reality today. But as many others I still have issues with insecurity and self-images in different types of situations. From the very beginning of my journey I feared different things: being read as a non-genetic woman, looked upon as a very strange person, being made fun of and so on. The way society places a stigma of transgender people is sometimes very cruel. It takes a lot of time and energy to start accepting yourself for whom you are and then hopefully to like or even love yourself.
As a transsexual (or LGBT (HBT på svenska)) I sometimes feel that I am a little behind the others in that process. My life for the past 10 years have been a wonderful journey of discovery. I feel more “myself” than I have ever done before. However, the journey also tought me to be very sensitive (in a sensory manner) for the reactions of other people. By reactions I mean reactions on me – that strange transsexual person. I am definiately working on that and I feel much more secure now than just three or four years ago but it takes a while to wipe these feelings off.
In some respect it feels like a ladder with different steps to me. First to accept myself for who I am and then to be able to say that to the rest of the world. Then to believe in myself as a human being, that I am not strange but in some respect worthy of being treated as anyone else. Just being and thinking of yourself as an equal is not something that transgender people can take for granted unfortunately. The third step is being accepted and believing in myself as a woman. Figuring out your own way of being a woman is sometimes very tricky. Somehow I think that is what I am going through now and it feels good! I guess it is not the final step but for me the next step to conquer is being accepted as a lesbian and feeling that I can be the object of another (lesbian/bisexual) womans love and being able to love her back. I mean, even for genetic women I believe the process of dicoverying that you are a lesbian is not an easy one and it is not always easy to find your way in dyke world. For me I of course have to struggle a bit about both seeing myself as a woman and a potential partner.
So, I have said it before and will say it again. It is like growing up again but this time it feels right and things sometimes happen a lot faster.