by alexandra | November 21st, 2008
This was a really awful day. My dreams was crushed and it took me hard. It started when I felt a little lonely the weekend before and read a little to much into a blogpost of my dear A. I guess I wanted to get something back from her about what she felt about me and I popped that question more or less without really understanding it before it was too late. Even though she had told me this summer that she could not give me any answers I guess I still held the hope up. The hope of love, intimacy and deep friendship. I thought that she was so good that I could wait for her at least half-a-year or so. So today it was there in the Inbox. The answer and I sort of felt what was in there before I opened it with fear in my stomach. I read the whole email and went almost empty at once. I had understood the words but the meaning did not really sink in until after 10 minutes or so. Then the tears came. Big time. It felt like my dream suddenly was wiped away. Remembered her beauty by my side at the Pride event this summer, remember all the conversations we had. Talked about things that I more or less only can do with one other person. How on earth would I find someone like her again? Would I ever find someone who actually could understand me like I think she does? Will I ever find someone to share my life with when it is no even possible with someone like her. Sure, it seem more to be about her than me and timing need to be right in life to make relationships work. But still. She is far away and we will have a change to talk when she comes to Stockholm in a week. I think that will be good even though it can be really hard that too.
Fortunately, I had made plans with my dear dear friend Puck this day and that really saved me. Exhausted from one hour of diathermy and then crying I went to her place and was so so sad. Sat on a chair next her and talked and talked for hours. Got that long hug that somehow seem to lift the pain from my shoulders. Thought a lot about my life and what I wanted from it right now. Felt much better when I left her in the evening like I had got the time to get some of my sadness out of my body.
