Monthly Archives: September 2009

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Processing sorrowfulness…

Woke up this morning with a sorrow feeling and I think I had dreamt one or two rather bad dreams. Last day was very intense in many ways and I think that had made a dent in my mind. Not a big one but still I was affected. Since mid-august I have been feeling. longing, dreaming and hoping about love but a week ago that turned out to be nothing. I have had a small crush on her and it has been just wonderful to have these butterflies in the stomach. It tends to give me some extra energy and joy. I took it quite good I think and I wasn’t devastated or really sad maybe because there wasn’t really anything there to miss. On the contrary I have got to know a wonderful person I believe it is the right thing to do to cherish that friendship which we do have. The crush quickly fades away for me when there is no affirmations of love so over the last week that was what happened. Still I of course felt disappointed but I guess it is only natural to have these feelings. A very human reaction. Still the past week included my birthday which gave me a lot of positive feelings and work was intense so there wasn’t any time to think really either. That really help processing it for a distance I think.

Last day we met for dinner for the first time since that phone call a week ago and I did not found myself really nervous or anything but still of course wondered what I would feel when I met her. It turned out to be a nice evening where we talked about life as usual. However, both of us was a bit blue and we both seemed to be taken by the realities of life somehow. I think the sorrow feeling started there when I realized that it was over for this time – the butterflies had flown to someone else. For some reason they don’t seem to visit me more more than once a year or so I thought that it could take sometime before that feeling arrived again. Still it was nice to see her and I really want to keep her in my life as a friend. I feels very mature to be able to do so I think. So I guess all of this made my morning today a sorrow one so it was perfect that I had time for therapy this morning.

A month or so I decided I needed an external person to help me process my daily experiences as a woman with a transsexual background. Regular readers here know that now and then things happen that I get sad about and I think I need some help to deal with that. I have found a great therapist who I think mostly acts as my coach in life right now. I had the opportunity to talk about my emotions over that past week and it was great to get it out of my system and I felt rather good afterwords. Proud of myself for actually daring to say to someone that I am interested in her. I did not get the answer I so longed for this time but maybe the next time the butterflies come to visit me I will also dare to ask and maybe that woman will be my princess.

Back home I prepared for getting to work and found myself thinking I looked really good when I saw myself in the mirror. The sun was shining on my way to work and life seemed rather good after all. Emotions can surely shift quickly.

Musikalen Mammor – en underbar musikalupplevelse…

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När Puck berättade nästan i förbigående att hon mitt i sin graviditet visst hade skrivit en musikal blev jag lite förvånad måste jag säga. Det var inte det jag förväntade mig av någon som var gravid med sitt första barn. Men än en gång blev jag imponerad av hennes energi och produktivitet som den här gången kom från hennes egna reflektioner kring just mamma-rollen. Inte nog med att hon skrev musikalen och sjöng in låtarna i Garageband på sin lilla vita MacBook (vilket gör mig så stolt!) utan hon har med en liten bebis på armen lyckats att få projektet att bli en uppsättning med en otroligt proffsig ensamble och härlig musik. Drömmen blev till slut verklighet!

Jag har haft förmånen att få se några av repetitionerna men nu skulle jag få se allt från början till slut och bara insupa texter och musik. I söndags var det så dags att få uppleva Musikalen Mammor på plats på Impro & Co. Jag tycker ju så mycket om min vän och det kändes så fantastiskt att få vara med och ta del av det hon skapat och som kommit från hennes tankar. Ett manus som hon sedan format till föreställning där hennes karaktärer fått liv. Det är visserligen “bara” karaktärer som är utmejslade men ger en massa perspektiv på längtan efter barn men också de normer som samhället är ganska snabba att lägga både på ens inställning till barn och hur man ska vara för att vara en bra mamma. Just att det handlar om ett kompisgäng som liksom jag är i trettioårsåldern gör det så mycket lättare att relatera till tycker jag. Själv menar hon att den tar vid en bit efter att många av de klassiska musikalerna om amerikanska tonåringar sluter…

Det blev tårar, skratt och njutning och en underlig känsla av att efter föreställningen verkligen känt att jag fått lära känna nya människor liksom. Redan i första numret tårades mina ögon av texten och den härliga musikalkänslan som ensemblen lyckades skapa. Jag har ju fått en helt ny syn på barn i och med att Puck fick sin underbara supersöta Jonas och det gjorde säkert att ämnet tog tag i mig lite extra. Nu känns det ju otroligt långt borta för mig att skaffa barn men om jag hittar min prinsessa nån gång och hon vill ha barn så kommer jag vilja det jag med. Avslutningsnumret sätter sig i huvudet och det är svårt att inte nynna på texten efteråt.

Musiken har Puckan själv gjort men Emil Nyström har arrangerat den (på min Mac Pro!) och den är skönt varierad och har det mesta man kan förvänta sig av en musikaluppsättning. Både finstämt och härligt pampigt. Artisterna sjunger fantastiskt bra och förmedlar ofta väldigt starka känslor som griper tag i en.

Jag hoppas att ni tar chansen och lägger beslag på en av de sista biljetterna till föreställningarna nästa söndag och och måndag genom att boka här: Bokning Musikalen Mammor

Anniversary in retrospect…

Over a year ago on Aug 22nd I had my last and hopefully final surgery at the Karolinska hospital. I did not think of this until a few days ago but checking the calendar revealed that my anniversary day became a just wonderful one. Definately top five this year. First I attended a absolutely wonderful lesbian wedding where I had the privilege of being the official wedding photgrapher and later that day I had a marvelous evening hosted by a wonderful woman I recently have got to know. It was a truly magic evening enjoying the Swedish summer and talking under a starlit sky.

I don’t think I really could imagine how important this breast augmentation surgery turned out to really be for me. I felt it was the natural and final step for me but it wasn’t until many months later that I really started to enjoy the completeness of my new body. The joy of being able to buy really nice underwear slowly made look at myself in the mirror in a new light. I actually felt pretty even with just my underwear on. I started realizing that using the changing room at stores was much more natural and even the locker room as well. I have started wearing more low cut tops and feel really proud of my cleavage. It makes me feel feminine in a very nice way and I can now wear more styles without being afraid. However, soon I also noticed that they brought some new attention to the game sometimes, especially among men.

I sometimes find myself admiring them because to me they are just perfect and in some way they also are a physical affirmation of me being the woman I have always dreamt of being. It is actually good to be able to feel them being a part party of my body when I am walking and moving around. Some kind of reminder of how lucky I am in that respect and it can actually make me smile just because of that sometimes. Being able to feel very much ok in my bikini among both men and women was another great step for me of course. I even managed to not feel that uncomfortable when a really cool, intelligent and cute woman happened to browse through my iPhone and seeing pictures of me in a bikini just after taking an outdoor bath this summer.

This summer I also started jogging again. Tried with my existing sports bra but it turned out to hurt a lot. Thanks to my good friend Linda A we ended up at a specialty shop for women runners and I got myself a sturdy sports bra together with some cute running clothes. Being able to feel pretty while running was quite a thing. A combination of my old life and the new one in a healthy way.