The other evening I was sitting down with my closest friends and her super-cute baby (sleeping) and was talking about life. I think we started by discussing how she wanted us to do a short getaway at a spa or a nice bath to make me do my bikini-debut. It is not just about the bikini, it is the whole thing of being naked in a changing room with other women. I am very proud of my new body but also scared that I will be stared and feel that I don’t belong in a place which I have fighted so long to be in. It is a little strange because some people could easily think it would be easier for me to finally have a womans body and it would be a breeze to enter and feel right at home among the women.
That could of course be the case if it wasn’t for the fact that no matter what I do with my looks there is always that someone who for some reason sees something that makes them see my background. In that moment I am not just a woman but suddenly that strange person. I should of course not really have to care what every single person think about me and I like to think I actually can disregard that sometimes. However, what I am scared of is that I will end up creating somekind of “scene” because someone feel a need to point some strangeness about me to me or most often someone else around them. In the worst of cases that could of course develop into one of those situation where you feel really uncomfortable (or even scared) and just want to run out of the room.
The strangest part is that I had thought (or at least hoped) that these feelings would go away by now. I mean I remember how scared I was just going downtown shopping ten years ago. In many respects my life is so much easier now but I have realised that these situations takes me much harder now because I am less prepared and it feels much more unfair. Back then every step outside felt like a political action of visibility and even if I longed to just pass as the average girl I know I sometimes did not and was prepared for that. Nowadays I feel just great about myself when I leave my house and then suddenly from nowhere I cause some reaction just by being there which makes it so obvious for me that I am strange. Sure a lot of this is just in my head and a girlfriend of mine did point out that I had to learn to handle that some men does not look friendly at women. Maybe genetic women has become more used to this than I have but the thing is that I feel that I am getting these reactions from a lot of women as well.
I remember the joy of finally going to the women’s restroom back then and it truly felt “right” even though I did not have woman’s body back then. Therefore it is a bit sad that I still can be a little bit nervous to open that door not knowing what kind of reaction I will cause in there. Sure, in most cases there is no reaction but sometime there are. Especially late at night in cramped places and where people have had something to drink. I am actually a bit scared for what a group of drunk young women could say to me in that situation. To me that is also the worst thing – to be questioned as a women by other women. In these situations it does not matter what my ID-card says or how my body looks beneath my clothes. Isn’t that rather unfair?
Well, so that is the reason why I need my best friend’s hands when I take my first swim strokes in 8 years or so soon. Wish me luck!