So far I have most of the time written about fun things but of course my life has its problems too. Somehow I find it much more difficult to write about them here. However, I will make one try now. It is about things that I guess are not that obvious all the time. It is mostly work related and it has to about me and my transition. I enjoy my work very much and I think my transition at work have gone really well so far but I have realized that on the outside I appear to be ready and done with my transition. In reality I have come on half-way since I have been on hormones for less than a year and still have my surgery left to do. Even though I want it (a long for it) I am not “just like any other woman yet”. It hurts to remind people of that and still I seem to want them to think about that.
I am still “fighting” with my body everyday to look as feminine as like it too (and what the world around me expects). That means it does take much longer for me to “get ready” than both my female and male collegues at work. I sometimes complain about having work-related activities to start at 7.30 och 8 o’clock but that is just because I need to set my watch at 5.15 if I need to be a at work at 8 in the morning (50 min drive included).
Another thing is being on time. I now I have a problem with that sometimes. The thing is that I still have a bit of unsecurity related to my appearance and want my look to to be “just right” to feel good about myself and that can sometimes take an extra bit of time if I am standning before the mirror that morning “when everything goes wrong”. Early on in my coming out process I also developed a fear of waiting alone somewhere and feeling that everybody was staring at my. I managed that by coming exactly on time or a bit late so I would not have to stand there alone. These habits have a tendency to stick unfortunately even though I no longer feel that way very often.
Public dressing rooms is another thing I don´t do nowadays. I just don´t now which room to go to. So before my surgery is done I just stay away from them at all instead. That means that doing sports where there are public showers is not something I do. I also have not taken a public bath in 5-6 years I guess. At my work we have a requirement to do sports three hours a week and that becomes rather hard to fix as well. My male collegues can just set off an hour or so to change clothes, go jogging and get dressed again. For me that “operation” would take at least three hours. This will of course gradually change as my body gets more feminine over the next years but for now that is the situation. The worst part is that me being naive and believing people know that probably led to the fact that I missed my application to the Defence College this year. So being transsexual in the Armed Forces definately has its costs.